Without a doubt, Google autocomplete is one of the most illuminating windows into the human psyche. It’s not some cold, lifeless algorithm trying its best to understand the varyingly unfathomable depths of human thought and emotion. No, it’s far more unsettling than that: It’s an algorithm doing exactly what it has been told to do: act like a human. In essence, Google autocomplete is a human. It’s not the human standing in front of a mirror, though either a funhouse mirror or a regular one. It’s a human in front of the most diverse and numerous crowd of any public space. And in this crowd, people are yelling some of the most nonsensical and ridiculous things you can possibly imagine.
Still, something is profoundly captivating about this digital confessional box. We are given a glimpse into what troubles the world, what keeps us up at night and makes us obsess with unfounded fears. And mostly, it seems to reveal how mind-bogglingly little common sense exists among us. You might start typing, “Can you…” into the Google search bar and before you even finish, Google will step in with its helpful suggestions like “Can you microwave metal?” or “Can you smell your own brain?” Both of which should not require external validation. But the fact that enough people are really searching them to make them top results should concern us. Either we are a seriously declining civilization, or we were always this lost and clueless, and Google is just now confirming it in real time.
Is it normal to…
Several of these are rather benign, such as “Is it ordinary to talk to oneself?” Of course! As long as you’re not having serious conversations and losing arguments with yourself. We also have, “Is it ordinary to urinate every hour?” If you are practically living in the restroom, it might be time to take a break from searching urinary frequency online to see a physician.
The question “Is it normal to poop every day?” is intriguing to consider. If regularity was your concern, then, yes, it would be cause for alarm. But so many people seem not to know what the damn deal is with their own digestive tracts. I almost feel bad for them, being that it’s such a basic bodily function and one we should all feel totally fine discussing.
Why does McDonald’s…
This autosuggest got me thinking. If aliens ever intercepted human internet searches, they’d likely assume McDonald’s is both a divine institution and a biological weapon. On one hand, people are writing love letters to its flavor, asking, “Why does McDonald’s taste so good?” as if the secret lies in some ancient alchemy. On the other hand, people are posting questions about E. coli, sickness, and the immediate digestive consequences of a McDouble. It’s like a toxic relationship we refuse to leave.
What do I do if my neighbor…
The escalatory nature of the situation is what makes it so entertaining. It begins with a few trifling complaints about noise and location of a fence. Before long, we are treated to what is essentially a seminar in how to torment someone right next door to you. If these truly harassed people have a neighbor who really is hounding them, they don’t call the cops and instead look for a self-help solution online. All this while the neighbor is outside smashing their car windows. Investigating the suburban nightmare scene, this reads like a list of terrible things that have happened to someone with their HOA.
Is it normal that my girlfriend…
Is it annoying? Yes, but that’s what relationships are for! Loving someone means tolerating what drives you nuts. Chewing too loudly? That’s nothing a little love and commitment can’t handle. But “is it normal for my girlfriend to bite me?” merits some additional questions. Are we talking playful love bites here, or is she going full vampire? If she’s drawing blood, is this just what it means to date a werewolf?
Then there’s the widespread male anxiety, “Is it wrong for my girlfriend to have male friends?” and “Is it all right for my girlfriend to have conversations with her ex?” This is where trust meets the internet’s crappiest advice. If she’s having friendly, casual chats with male coworkers, well, she’s a grown-up, doing what grown-ups do! If she’s staying up late and texting with her conversationalist ex about how great the two of them were back in the day, that’s another convo entirely.
Is it normal that my boyfriend…
The relationship crisis of today forces us to consult Google like a desperate oracle. “Is it normal that my boyfriend never calls me?” Let’s break this down. Either he’s a recent monk who has taken a vow of silence or, more likely, he’s just losing interest or getting annoyed. If you have to Google whether your significant other should occasionally acknowledge your existence, the relationship is already on life support. About boyfriends playing games? If you’re competing with a console for attention, brace yourself, because that PlayStation is never going to break up with him.
The real prize here is “Is it normal that my boyfriend doesn’t get jealous?” Because if he really loved you, he’d be flipping tables every time a male makes eye contact with you. Here’s a radical idea: Could he just be secure in your relationship, trusts you, and doesn’t feel the need to morph into a causing-himself-health-problems kind of guy over minor interactions? At least that’s the ideal case.
How do I apologize for…
The immense weight of human guilt. We have made it a world where people routinely cheat, ghost, and emotionally annihilate one another. Happily, most of us seem to get through our days without resorting to these kinds of actions. But when we do, we apearently need a search engine to help us remember basic human decency.
Even more intriguing is the emergence of “How do I apologize for something I didn’t do?” Now we’re in the age of the apology as a form of social currency. We’ve gotten to the point where people are so browbeaten by the internet mobs that they’ll issue a go-to-hell apology if it means they can just be left alone and not be in trouble.
Why do I keep picking at…
The actual terror is not merely that individuals are obsessively grooming their skin, hair, and nails. The true champ is, “Why am I picking at my gums?” I honestly don’t even know how to make sense of that. What sort of stress response drives someone to gnawing at their own mouth like a deranged rodent? If you’re lounging around trying to mine the tartar out of your gums, it may be time to have a word with a professional. Preferably a dentist.
Is it normal that my…
This list is a delightful mix of medical anxiety and existential pet-owner panic. “Is it normal that my cat snores?” Yes. Because your cat is a tiny, fluffy dictator who sleeps 18 hours a day and probably wants to annoy you. The most worrisome search, however, has to be “Is my yellow discharge normal?” You’re probably going to start racking up some medical-level panic at the prospect of a life-altering condition.
Why do I smell like…
The most worrisome personal hygiene interrogation I have ever seen. “Why do I smell like onions?” Well, maybe because I ate onions or haven’t showered in a while. But “Why do I smell like pee?” That is a question I should not have typed into Google. It should have been directed toward a shower and a doctor, in that order. If I smell like bodily waste and don’t immediately know why, my priorities are deeply out of order.
But let’s be honest; the most chilling inquiry on this list is “Why do I emit a metallic odor?” This is definitely one of those questions you don’t want to shove aside. Either you’re an undercover robot and just don’t know it yet, or maybe you are just smelling the iron in your blood.
How do I stop spending money on…
The confessions of a spendthrift boomerang back to society. “How do I stop spending money on OnlyFans?” is a gut-wrenching cry for help. If asking the internet for ways to save money is the last option, then maybe “stop doing the thing that makes you spend money” should be part of the conversation without judgment, of course.
The food-related financial panic is quite amusing. “How do I stop spending money on food?” Eating is kind of a necessity. But my first thought is people trying not to spend money on takeout food, which is sadly a huge part of so many people’s culinary lives. Or a huge part of the problem is our utter inability to cook. If you don’t know how to prepare food that doesn’t come in a cardboard box, then you’re probably helpless when it comes to maintaining even a halfway decent budget.
Why do I get jealous when…
Envy, the emotion that makes rational adults behave like toddlers when their toys are snatched. “Why do I get envious when someone else has what I have?” This is narcissism on the next level. Do these people think they have exclusive rights to enjoy their favorite Netflix series? It’s the mentality of a child who just figured out that other people have birthdays too. If you are this territorial over common interests then I have bad news. There are a few of billion people out there, and a few of them are likely to also enjoy the same things as you. Young children learn to get over this kind of rivalry, and it’s time for some grown-ups to learn it too. If you want to see the result of that search, click below.
Boyfriend vs Girlfriend Searches
The boyfriend list asks, “Why does my boyfriend call me mommy?” while the girlfriend list counters with, “Why does my girlfriend call me daddy?” If this is the state of romance in 2024, we might need to collectively reevaluate our Freudian dating norms.
There is some comfort seeing that the farting problem is universal, and excessive farting knows no love. But even this stinky subject is dealt with differently in the lists. Females inquire why their Boyfriends “smell so good,” while females seem to carry an unmistakable odor of fish. That’s not just an observational difference; that’s a full-scale crisis in male-female relations. What I find more interesting than “Why does my boyfriend yell at me?” and “Why does my girlfriend bite me?” being typed into a search bar, is what they expect their search result will return that’ll help them. So I researched them myself. If you want to read the article that Goole ranked explaining why women keep biting women, you can read it here. Regarding the search results of why boyfriends yell, you can see the results by clicking below.
The Digital Hivemind
Ultimately, autocomplete is not just a convenient feature; it is a condemnation of modern intelligence. It strips away the facade of our rational, logical existence to reveal, instead, our confusion, anxiety, and ridiculous obsession with unimportant minutiae. We like to think that the internet has made us more intelligent and informed and in greater control of our destiny. Yet, thousands of people seem to need to know the answers to the questions: “Is it legal to name my child Batman?” and “Do ducks have feelings?” Given our unfettered access to knowledge, the exercise of pure intelligence should render these two questions moot. And yet, here we are, on the brink of 2006, asking them—and much dumber—on the internet.
Perhaps the real beauty of autocomplete, then, is that it unites us in our muddle. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you live, or what you do to pay the bills. We’ve all typed something into that search bar that would be straight-up mortifying if read aloud. And I really think it would be. We might not have the same cultures, languages, or beliefs, but we mostly seem to share a desire to know if our cats hate us and whether it’s possible to be allergic to water. Google isn’t just showing us what we’re searching. It’s showing us who we are. A lot of us apparently are just slightly lost weirdos trying to figure it all out.
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